3 posts in this topic

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a

bank by an 86 year

old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough

to have it

published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with

which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have

elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of

the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit

of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in

place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window

of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty

for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this

incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your

telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am

confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless

entity which your bank has become

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and

hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,

addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your

bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act

for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an

Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I

know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her

financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN

number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,

again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of

me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they

say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows: \




To make an appointment to see me #2. <o:p></o:p>

To query a missing payment. # 3. <o:p></o:p>

To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. # 4. <o:p></o:p>

To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. # 5. <o:p></o:p>

To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. # 6. <o:p></o:p>

To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. <o:p></o:p>

To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be

communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. # 8. <o:p></o:p>

To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. # 9. <o:p></o:p>

To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on

hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. # 10.


This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)<st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on"></st1:country-region></st1:place>

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